Comic I Dont Know What You Rolled in but It Sure Smells Good
Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our ain selection of circular-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and nowadays.
Best jokes from comedians
"Law-breaking in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on and so many unlike levels." – Tim Vine
"Do you know what I love most near baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that'southward just in the hot dogs." – David Letterman
"I like a adult female with a head on her shoulders. I detest necks." – Steve Martin
"I take a lot of growing upwards to do. I realised that the other solar day inside my fort." – Zach Galifianakis
"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you lot minimum wage? You lot know what your dominate was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the police force.'" – Chris Rock
"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it's probably s***." – Stephen K. Amos
"I like an escalator considering an escalator tin can never break. It tin just become stairs. There would never exist an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Society' sign, but 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs'." – Mitch Hedberg
"If I was an Olympic athlete, I'd rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, 'at least I got something.' Only you win that silver, that's similar, 'Congratulations, you most won! Of all the losers, yous came in first! Yous're the number 1 loser! No ane lost ahead of yous!'" – Jerry Seinfeld
"We weren't very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer." – Richard Lewis
"My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Torso like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms." – Phil Wang
"If God had written the Bible, the starting time line should have been 'Information technology's round.'" – Eddie Izzard
"I bought myself some spectacles. My observational comedy improved." – Sara Pascoe
"Trump'southward nothing like Hitler. In that location'south no way he could write a volume." – Frankie Boyle
"You know you're working class when your Television is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett
"Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly e'er visit Syria." – Alex Horne
"A spa hotel? Information technology's like a normal hotel, but in reception there's a picture of a pebble." – Rhod Gilbert
"Life is similar a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat." – Joe Lycett
"My Dad said, e'er get out them wanting more than. Ironically, that'due south how he lost his job in disaster relief." – Marking Watson
"Apparently smoking cannabis tin affect your short term memory. Well if that'due south truthful, what exercise y'all remember smoking cannabis does?" – Mickey P Kerr
"How many philosophers does information technology take to alter a lightbulb?…. none. They're not really into that sort of thing. If it's that dark, light a candle." – Phil Cornwell
"The outset fourth dimension I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves." – Alun Cochrane
"Every bit a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." – Gary Delaney
"Two fish in a tank. Ane says: 'How do you lot drive this affair?'" – Peter Kay
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis
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"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." – Joel Dommett
"I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. It's a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? 'Well he can have his hat off for a start!'" – Paul Merton
"Normally you take news, weather and travel. Merely not on snowfall mean solar day. On a snow solar day, news is weather is travel." – Michael McIntyre
"Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner." – Milton Jones
"Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
'Would you buy a second-hand auto from this human being?' they asked.
'Would you purchase a second-hand car?' I replied." – Miles Jupp
"With stand-up in Britain, what you lot have to do is encarmine swearing. In Frg, we don't have to swear. Reason existence, things work." – Henning When
"I'thou learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I've got the ins and outs." – Iain Stirling
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'thousand a schizophrenic, and and so am I." – Billy Connolly
"My mother told me, you lot don't take to put anything in your oral fissure you lot don't want to. Then she fabricated me eat broccoli, which felt similar double standards." – Sarah Millican
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll encounter almost that.'" – Stewart Francis
"I'chiliad sure wherever my Dad is, he's looking down on u.s.a.. He's not dead, just very condescending." – Jack Whitehall
"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed." – Josie Long
"The easiest time to add together insult to injury is when you're signing somebody'southward bandage." – Demetri Martin
"I was in my automobile driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One infinitesimal I'm on the phone.'" – Alan Carr
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"My phone volition ring at 2am and my married woman'll wait at me and go, "Who's that calling at this fourth dimension?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the encarmine phone." – Lee Evans
"I doubt there'south a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare." – Victoria Wood
I said to the gym teacher: "Tin can you teach me to practise the splits?"
He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I can't make Tuesdays." – Tommy Cooper
"A homo walks into a chemist'south and says, 'Can I have a bar of lather, please?'
The pharmacist says, 'Exercise you desire it scented?'
And the human says, 'No, I'll take information technology with me now.'" – Ronnie Barker
"It'due south really hard to define 'virtue signalling', as I was proverb the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-merchandise coffee in our local feminist bookshop." – Lucy Porter
"If nosotros were truly created by God, and so why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our ain mouths?" – Dara Ó Briain
"Do Transformers get motorcar, or life insurance?" – Russell Howard
"Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I've called the SWAT squad!" – Greg Davies
"A expert rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain." – Graham Norton
"My begetter drank and then heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles." – Les Dawson
"I've been feeling suicidal and so my therapist suggested I do CBT. At present I can ride a motorbike, how's that going to help?"
– Eric Lampaert
Classic 1-liners
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!
I backed a equus caballus concluding week at 10 to ane. It came in at quarter past four.
I went downward to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in information technology". He said: "Those are pickled onions."
A man entered a local paper's pun competition. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least 1 of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi – become out. We don't desire your blazon in here."
I'm in a great mood this evening because the other 24-hour interval I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite – one jar.
I saw this human being and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are yous two an item?"
I cleaned the attic with the married woman the other day. Now I tin can't become the cobwebs out of her hair.
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I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snowfall. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my migrate?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, nosotros don't serve food in here."
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
I met a Dutch daughter with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.
I went to purchase camouflage trousers only I couldn't notice whatever.
Went to the doctors and said: "Have yous got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac nether his arm and says: "Pint please, and i for the road."
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Greenish Grass Of Habitation." He said: "That sounds similar Tom Jones syndrome." "Is information technology common?" I asked. "It's non unusual," he replied.
Two aerials come across on a roof, fall in love and go married. The reception was bright.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acrid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged i – and let the other one off.
Went to the zoo. In that location was only one domestic dog in it. It was a shitzu.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll y'all accept?" The skeleton says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!"
I went to the doctors the other twenty-four hour period and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for influenza." And then I went – and I got information technology.
Went to the corner store – bought iv corners.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. Information technology was Wedgie Kray.
I'll tell y'all what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly incorporate myself.
My next-door neighbor worships frazzle pipes, he's a Cosmic converter.
I've got a friend who'south fallen in love with ii school bags. He'southward bisatchel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were dank. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't take your kayak and estrus information technology.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
Did you hear near the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Cringe-worthy (but agreeable) puns
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
Did you lot hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they plough out.
My colleague can no longer attend side by side week'south Allusion Seminar so I accept to fill her slot instead.
I'm a large fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all mean solar day.
Merely burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? Information technology concluded in a tie!
Thanks for explaining the give-and-take "many" to me, information technology means a lot.
The future, the nowadays and the past walked into a bar. Things got a trivial tense.
My cantankerous-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
I recently heard virtually a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was besides clothes minded.
Did yous hear nigh the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke upwards.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me considering I continue pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can modify."
And some jokes for the kids
Why do bananas accept to put on sunscreen before they get to the beach? Because they might pare!
What do you telephone call a cow on a trampoline? A milk milkshake!
Where practise cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!
How do you know if in that location's an elephant nether your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What practise yous telephone call a cow with no legs? Ground beefiness!
What do yous telephone call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Why are ghosts bad liars? Because y'all tin see right through them!
Why practice bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
What exercise yous call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why did the human being run effectually his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
What practise you lot call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!
Why did the teddy deport say "no" to dessert? Because she was blimp.
What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
What did the left heart say to the right eye? Between u.s., something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
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Source: https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/funny-jokes-110-funniest-best-one-liners-192413
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